MENTAL STATE POST MURDERSCHOOL One sentence summary: Ryoji seriously wishes he could feel physical exhaustion, because wow is he emotionally exhausted, and he kind of just wants to sleep for a really, really long time. (For the record he *can* sleep, it’s just really hard for him because he never feels tired. He can sleep when he’s with other people, because it’s physically and emotionally comforting but even then it’s only a few hours. … which is why when it comes to sleeping in groups, he will always try to stick to one edge of the pile! Because he is inevitably the asshole who’s up at 3 a.m. quietly crocheting or playing a game because whoops he. Can’t get back to sleep… At least he’s good company for anybody who wakes up in the middle of the night from bad dreams?? He is there, friends, please come have cocoa with him he is a painfully lonely person who craves human contact.) He doesn’t physically feel tired but, emotionally, he feels very… worn thin? He’s naturally a very emotional person, so his feelings have been this really pronounced and nasty loop of: Flat-out **horror** at the situation. Murder games: horrible! Murder of people he’s living with and cares about: even more horrible! EXPIERMENTAL BRAIN SURGERY ON CHILDREN: *absolutely fucking horrifying*. Even before he got his memories about being a Shadow back, he would have these niggling, invasive thoughts of “holy shit humans can be really terrible and cruel to each other and I do not understand any of it”. An example of that would be what Kureha ended up doing with Harvey’s body, because oh my god that really screwed with him. He accepts that it was an accident that happened because she was scared. It’s what happened… after that stuck with him for a long while. And still sticks with him! Because she dragged his body alllll the way from the stairwell, shoved him behind the front desk, waited for the morning announcements and then stuffed him in an ice machine. *Stuffed him into the ice machine*. That really screwed him up because he couldn’t wrap his mind around how awful that was! That she dragged his body that far! And then, when he was cold and stiff, dragged him some more and *shoved him into the ice machine*. **Grief**. So, so much grief, good god. Every week, at least two people who he knew and lived with and at the very least liked died for a bunch of really terrible reasons and in really terrible ways. He didn’t see a lot of the bodies, outside of the executions. Just Maya’s and Wash’s! He… kind of made a point of not hunting for them on Friday because he knew he didn’t want to look at them. He just could not cope with that, not because he can’t handle violent scenes (I will get into this a bit later) but more because it’s… emotionally it was just really devastating to physically see these people dead. Being **afraid** of himself and his own memories. When Ryoji first woke up in the murder-hotel, he still had two feet firmly planted in his “I’m a totally normal human!!” delusion. He spent the first three weeks just flat-out denying that the memories were memories. They were nightmares and bad dreams, but they weren’t “his” memories. His false memory is why he didn’t open his first motive envelope! (Which were pictures of himself as the Nyx Avatar, by the by.) http://i.imgur.com/OHKCSGe.gifhttp://i.imgur.com/RK571S6.gifhttp://i.imgur.com/n9uQ3rn.gifhttp://i.imgur.com/7d1a5xT.gif Which, since I don’t have any of the really horrifying fanart on hand, I will demonstrate with this gifs! Because it’s really hard to get a scope of how enormous and freaky that thing is. The first three weeks were a mess of wanting really desperately to be okay, despite all of the awful and frightening things going on around him. To have friends and family and someone who he loves to go back to. AND THEN MAYA DIED AND ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY HE REMEMBERED HE WAS LITERALLY DEATH \o/ From week five until… his final memory point in the last week? … yeah, up until that point he was certain that he was here because the Fall had already happened and there was nothing for him to go back to. It wasn’t that he thought his world might be gone, he just accepted it as fact that it was gone. Because he had brought an end to everything, because that’s just what he *is*. That really fucked with him, because even then, he wanted so badly to support everyone else because good god everyone was sort of systematically falling to pieces and he had no idea how to deal with it. But it was really painful and hard for him to say things like “things are going to be okay” and “we’re going to get out of here and go home”. Those… were the big three destructive feelings (horror, grief, being afraid of himself) and those three just kept cycling, over and over, and he is just worn out on all of it. Especially because he… essentially ended up in a role where “okay, this is messing me up, but it’s messing my friends up more and I need to be there for him” where he’d often end up putting his own feelings … and now he is going on a Pokemon adventure with the rest of the teenage poly group and oh god he is *really looking forward* to diving head first into… Escapism?? Focusing on things that aren’t a murder game?? Oh my god there is a place where he is allowed to exist and carve out some happiness for himself with people he adores he could actually sincerely cry about this. Re: survivors Ryoji *fiercely* cares about the other survivors. He cares about and is invested in the people who got revived but, generally speaking, holy shit is he invested in the other survivors getting somewhere where they can be happy and okay. It’s not because they’re all good people (because he’s very aware that they’re not, with the exception of Isabelle, who continues to be a saint) but it’s more that these were the people who were in there with him to the end. That’s important. I’m going to bring up Ryuunosuke, because Ryuunosuke is the Really Terrible Person he bonded the most with.
Ryoji really fiercely cares about the survivors, for a lot of probably really unhealthy reasons. It’s not that they’re all good people (because they’re not, except for Isabelle, Isabelle is a saint) but they were people who were in there with him. He cares a lot about the people who got revived too, but all of the survivors are really important to him, especially the It’s hard for him to rank who’s the most important to him because there’s just the straight-up level of “we all made it through this together and I adore these people because of it”. And… this is also where some of his more inhuman thought processes start to play in. Ryoji is a Shadow who loves the world he’s meant to destroy. He loves humanity as a whole: the good, beautiful parts of it along with the bad, despicable things.
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One sentence summary: Ryoji seriously wishes he could feel physical exhaustion, because wow is he emotionally exhausted, and he kind of just wants to sleep for a really, really long time.
(For the record he *can* sleep, it’s just really hard for him because he never feels tired. He can sleep when he’s with other people, because it’s physically and emotionally comforting but even then it’s only a few hours.
… which is why when it comes to sleeping in groups, he will always try to stick to one edge of the pile!
Because he is inevitably the asshole who’s up at 3 a.m. quietly crocheting or playing a game because whoops he. Can’t get back to sleep…
At least he’s good company for anybody who wakes up in the middle of the night from bad dreams?? He is there, friends, please come have cocoa with him he is a painfully lonely person who craves human contact.)
He doesn’t physically feel tired but, emotionally, he feels very… worn thin? He’s naturally a very emotional person, so his feelings have been this really pronounced and nasty loop of:
Flat-out **horror** at the situation. Murder games: horrible! Murder of people he’s living with and cares about: even more horrible! EXPIERMENTAL BRAIN SURGERY ON CHILDREN: *absolutely fucking horrifying*.
Even before he got his memories about being a Shadow back, he would have these niggling, invasive thoughts of “holy shit humans can be really terrible and cruel to each other and I do not understand any of it”.
An example of that would be what Kureha ended up doing with Harvey’s body, because oh my god that really screwed with him.
He accepts that it was an accident that happened because she was scared. It’s what happened… after that stuck with him for a long while. And still sticks with him!
Because she dragged his body alllll the way from the stairwell, shoved him behind the front desk, waited for the morning announcements and then stuffed him in an ice machine.
*Stuffed him into the ice machine*.
That really screwed him up because he couldn’t wrap his mind around how awful that was! That she dragged his body that far! And then, when he was cold and stiff, dragged him some more and *shoved him into the ice machine*.
**Grief**. So, so much grief, good god. Every week, at least two people who he knew and lived with and at the very least liked died for a bunch of really terrible reasons and in really terrible ways.
He didn’t see a lot of the bodies, outside of the executions. Just Maya’s and Wash’s! He… kind of made a point of not hunting for them on Friday because he knew he didn’t want to look at them.
He just could not cope with that, not because he can’t handle violent scenes (I will get into this a bit later) but more because it’s… emotionally it was just really devastating to physically see these people dead.
Being **afraid** of himself and his own memories. When Ryoji first woke up in the murder-hotel, he still had two feet firmly planted in his “I’m a totally normal human!!” delusion.
He spent the first three weeks just flat-out denying that the memories were memories. They were nightmares and bad dreams, but they weren’t “his” memories.
His false memory is why he didn’t open his first motive envelope! (Which were pictures of himself as the Nyx Avatar, by the by.)
http://i.imgur.com/OHKCSGe.gif http://i.imgur.com/RK571S6.gif http://i.imgur.com/n9uQ3rn.gif http://i.imgur.com/7d1a5xT.gif
Which, since I don’t have any of the really horrifying fanart on hand, I will demonstrate with this gifs! Because it’s really hard to get a scope of how enormous and freaky that thing is.
The first three weeks were a mess of wanting really desperately to be okay, despite all of the awful and frightening things going on around him. To have friends and family and someone who he loves to go back to.
AND THEN MAYA DIED AND ON THE FOLLOWING MONDAY HE REMEMBERED HE WAS LITERALLY DEATH \o/
From week five until… his final memory point in the last week? … yeah, up until that point he was certain that he was here because the Fall had already happened and there was nothing for him to go back to.
It wasn’t that he thought his world might be gone, he just accepted it as fact that it was gone. Because he had brought an end to everything, because that’s just what he *is*.
That really fucked with him, because even then, he wanted so badly to support everyone else because good god everyone was sort of systematically falling to pieces and he had no idea how to deal with it.
But it was really painful and hard for him to say things like “things are going to be okay” and “we’re going to get out of here and go home”.
Those… were the big three destructive feelings (horror, grief, being afraid of himself) and those three just kept cycling, over and over, and he is just worn out on all of it.
Especially because he… essentially ended up in a role where “okay, this is messing me up, but it’s messing my friends up more and I need to be there for him” where he’d often end up putting his own feelings
… and now he is going on a Pokemon adventure with the rest of the teenage poly group and oh god he is *really looking forward* to diving head first into…
Escapism?? Focusing on things that aren’t a murder game?? Oh my god there is a place where he is allowed to exist and carve out some happiness for himself with people he adores he could actually sincerely cry about this.
Re: survivors
Ryoji *fiercely* cares about the other survivors. He cares about and is invested in the people who got revived but, generally speaking, holy shit is he invested in the other survivors getting somewhere where they can be happy and okay.
It’s not because they’re all good people (because he’s very aware that they’re not, with the exception of Isabelle, who continues to be a saint) but it’s more that these were the people who were in there with him to the end. That’s important.
I’m going to bring up Ryuunosuke, because Ryuunosuke is the Really Terrible Person he bonded the most with.
Ryoji really fiercely cares about the survivors, for a lot of probably really unhealthy reasons. It’s not that they’re all good people (because they’re not, except for Isabelle, Isabelle is a saint) but they were people who were in there with him.
He cares a lot about the people who got revived too, but all of the survivors are really important to him, especially the
It’s hard for him to rank who’s the most important to him because there’s just the straight-up level of “we all made it through this together and I adore these people because of it”.
And… this is also where some of his more inhuman thought processes start to play in.
Ryoji is a Shadow who loves the world he’s meant to destroy. He loves humanity as a whole: the good, beautiful parts of it along with the bad, despicable things.
Re: himself
Re: Monaka + none butthole jr.
Re: home and Minako
General behavior